The Things We Did and The Thing We Had
by massiecure
Summary: A classic Peanuts High School AU you've been looking for. Updated. Rating may change.
1. Schroeder (i)

She always came to my house. She treats it like her own. Whenever she's not in her psychiatric help booth, or practicing baseball or annoys her brothers, she annoys me. I don't mind people coming in to listen, or watch, even lean on my piano. But she rang the bell, came in anyway and then sang over Beethoven. Who _does_ that? Sometimes she puts away my stuff, and just generally ruined my music by talking over it.

Safe to say, I never got used to her. My mom said I should ignore her, because obstacles comes in many forms and apparently it includes a girl desperate for some attention. To be honest it wasn't that hard, I love playing my piano over everything else.

But then things changed right before my eyes, and I'm forced to reshape everyhing else. The summer before 6th grade, my parents got divorced. It was inevitable, it was foreseeable, we weren't happy. It's just that before the actual split itself i never thought about the future that doesn't revolve around me and my piano. I re-prioritize my life around my mum's well being, what not to say around her when i mentioned dad and having more shares of house chores. In essence, i suddenly have a lot on my plate.

A few months after that summer, I just realized that Lucy hasn't been around. She hadn't been in my home, nor does she lingers over me, behaving in certain annoying ways at our usual social functions. At the baseball practices and matches, annual Halloween thing, Christmas thing, I noticed she got quieter, less abrasive.

It went on to junior high, she doesn't give me more than a quick glance or anymore attention than to other people. By 8th grade i conclude that her entire personality had shifted somehow. That it's not some kind of prank or something. She's less mean to everyone, cares more for her brothers, bites her tongue whenever Charlie Brown is being the good ol' wishy washy Charlie Brown himself.

I'm not so indifferent that I didn't remember how many times I kicked her out of my house for being annoying. But I didn't remember anything monumental the last time she came by. Did we had a fight? What makes that fight different from other fights? Did I said something really mean and cross some lines? Or maybe her changes really have nothing to do with me but somehow effects her feelings to me. Maybe it just meant that she grew up, faster than everyone else. I mean Peppermint Patty still doesn't listen to anyone well and Pig Pen still smells while I'm still chasing the mythical job of a pianist.

* * *

I must say, her changes occupied my mind a lot more than I care to admit, it felt out of control. I tried to traced back, the last time she went to my home was not long after that tragedy around Linus's comfort blanket. Somehow the search ended up with him screaming at the top of Snoopy's dog house criticizing everyone, including his sister. For obsessing over someone who doesn't care if he ever sees her again. She looked at me, and everyone looked at me and the whole thing felt ugly. It's not true of course, I cared about her, just not like the way she wants me to be. Around that time my house started to get pretty intense, more door slamming, more plates are broken. Soon, Lucy's visits become shorter and shorter before she's gone home for good.

Then a lot of more things happened, Snoopy died the summer before high school and it was hard, for all of us. We mourn together but I've never seen Charlie Brown be anymore miserable. I started to play piano for contests and mini orchestra, performing here and there nationally. Of course people have been suggesting Juliard since forever but I'm keeping my eyes out for everything else, maybe even opportunities other than formal education.

Lucy has her eyes for Yale and started taking _everything._ School Newspaper, Yearbook committee, any kind of charity in the city or within 100 miles radius of Minnesota? You bet she's organizing it.

But for the next two years at the very least, she's gonna have to ride the bus and go to school like the rest of us. Did I tell you she's pretty? Well she is, anyone would. She grew her jet black hair longer with kinder - but nonetheless determined, heart shaped face. Traits she shared with her brothers. She sat next to one of her cheerleading friends, Frieda while Linus sat next to me. I sigh. I didn't remember when Linus speeds up with his puberty, he's the tallest guy in 11th grade though the youngest for skipping some grades. Sometimes I still see him carrying a small piece of sky blue fabric in the size of regular handkerchief.

"Man as a grade skipper you're not supposed to grew taller than us" I comment as I shift my seating so he could smush all of his bag and long legs.

"I'm seriously considering biking for school" Linus ignored my remark.

"Just don't smoke and bike."

I saw Sally hop in the bus and sat in an empty seat.

''Stop! Stop for a second!''

The bus hasn't move forward, it was only starting the engine. We've got so accustomed by his anxieties, no one's even laughing anymore. Charlie Brown looked super relieved for stopping a still bus.

Charlie Brown sat next to Sally. They always looked distinctive from each other. Sally had long, soft blonde hair framing her small face and petite silhouette. While Charlie Brown grew tall, skinny and very short dirtier blonde hair. Sally sighed, 'it's only monday big brother' i can hear her under her breath.

Algebra is one of the few classes I have with Lucy, I'm always kinda excited whenever i get the chance to meet her, even just to be in the same room. I didn't realize it immediately, but I came to think about her a lot in her absence. I think I came to be obsessed with her. While she tries to ignore me. No, I didn't came to her house everyday to ask about our marriage. But I always try to see her. Like choosing to go home through the long route passing by her practice, asking school stuff or just trying to casually ask about her through Linus.

Things kinda change between us in autumn, a few days before Halloween, I met Lucy alone.

Most of us turned 17, some of us lost our virginity, even Charlie Brown were caught making out with some girl from other shool. I never thought about girls that way before Violet asked me out. It was polite, and appropriate, she asked me for some milkshakes and movies, and i said no. Not because I don't have the time, nor was she not pretty enough. It's that i realized, right there and then when she asked me out, masturbating to the idea of a girl is different from being emotionally intimate with them. That was the thing Lucy wanted from me and now Vi. I could try to take things slow, but i didn't want to, and for some reasons, Lucy's smile in the back of my head prevents me from even considering it.

Before Halloween, I went to the city to see some orchestra on my own. It has been a weekly habit ever since mum let me go to the city alone, sometimes I just went to an an amateur recital or even a jazz cafè to see other people sharing the same amount of passion I have towards music, each in our own ways.

The recital I wanted to see starts noon. They were playing in a small theatre, down by the town hall and i figured i could go home before dark since I like to walk around by the sun sets. The station was bleeding in orange sun, my train arrives and I caught Lucy in there, basking in glow. She's probably from the city too, organizing things, for kids and women's rights, write about lawmaking transparency. She's a brilliant leader when given the spotlight, and the maturity not to abuse it.

She saw me, and smiled. She gave me the classmate smile, and I didn't smile back. I never get to talk to her about anything than necessary and this is the first time in years since it's just the two of us. I took one of the handlers a few inches from her, even though the train was awfully empty from our side. The few people here gathered near the heater.

I decided to just ask her, aware that it was out of the blue.

"Why did you stop everything that you did to me back then? Why did you decided to kick me out of your life?"

She thought for a few seconds, parting her lips, then closed it again. But she's nothing but neat preparation and wisdom.


	2. Schroeder (ii)

''It was so sudden huh? I didn't expect it either. I mean, I never planned to stop liking you.'' She smiled while looking at the fleeting images of buildings that turns into homes, and sometimes blurring into leaves.

''All I remembered was that you never give a damn about me, and I'm just kind of tired, but I never decided to quit. I woke up that day, remembering just how annoying I've been to you until I rang your doorbell again. I talked a lot to you that day, about how fascinating you are and how pathetic my customers was. And as always you tried to block your ears from my voice, I realized I might just be an obstacle from your dreams." She explain calmly.

''I,'' I cleared my throat. But Lucy continued, "I'm sorry about your parent's divorce, I was there some time when they fought and I didn't think it was appropriate to hang around, Schroeder." She turned her face to look at me.

"Especially when your face was so red, trying to mute both their fighting and my existence with all your might so you could pretend you're alone with your piano."

I've let a couple of seconds passed to be able to say something right, but i have nothing more to add. We've arrived somewhere a little bit outside of our town. Lucy said, "Come with me" before she hopped of the train with a few other people and i went along, almost immediately. It was an impulse I thought I would never understand.

It was fall, so Lucy and I are walking along the pumpkin patch, and I could still imagine her baby brother, Linus, sitting in the middle of the field, waiting for the great pumpkin. I know Lucy was thinking of the same memory because she caress the pumpkins like Linus usually do when he was still "religious". None of us said a word until we've reached the lower side of a bridge.

'You, asking those questions earlier, what are you implying?" never play the willy nilly games, my Lucy. I tried to hold a smile.

I looked at the back of her shoulder, trying to find a way to explain what really happened in my head for the last few years.

"I didn't understand you back then. We grew apart and now, now things are different, for me at least."

I stopped and grab her arm so she'll face me.

"Would you allow me to be different?"

''Lately, I thought about you all the time. You became so faraway. I didn't understand you back then but now, now I don't know you at all. Can't you tell? I can't help but to stare whenever you're around?"

She stares at me, kind of surprise of how serious this turned out to be.

"I want to be with you, not because you're not chasing me around anymore, but because I like the Lucy you are today."

I let go of my grip, carefully trace the fabric of her coat sleeve.

"Maybe, maybe I like you that way. I'm not sure, I just really want to be there for you when you're out there, being your brilliant self."

Lucy still stares at me, definitely not the way she looked at me 10 years ago. Her lips parted, but I'm sure it will go nowhere. I took her hand, she looks surprised. I kissed the back of her hand, she held a gasp.

''Your hand's really cold. We probably should get you home soon."

Her pale cheeks turned pink for a moment, she pulled her hand and use it to cover he face. I smile at her, I couldn't help it. I'm actually making a progress.

I walked her home that day, she was keeping her face straight ahead, refusing to look at me even when I asked for her temperature, because her nose was burning red. We didn't catch the sunset home, it was already dark out when we arrived at her porch. Halloween is around the corner, with Thanksgiving succeeding then it'll be Christmas once more. I can see how bored my friends are of this cycle, spending them in this small city for at least two more times. I'm also excited for the endless possibilities beyond highschool and the weather in Massachusetts but, it really is the end for us. No more of this still miliseconds of nothingness, no more seeing each other this often, not as effortless.

Lucy is too much for this small city. She was born for something bigger, faster, an environment that would utilize her many qualities. But now, just for a small moment, please let me enjoy this city and it's pace. Please let things be still and slow for me and Lucy, quiet enough for us to feel a newfound tension for the two Halloweens left.

Some things doesn't change, some things including the Van Pelts house. What with bikes scattered on the front yard, that _giant_ Sycamore tree and the authentic warmth of a three children house. Linus opened the door for us, I smiled at Lucy when she said thank you, and nodded to Linus. He'll figure it out.

* * *

I didn't call her or anything over the weekend after the encounter. I don't know what that means, I just know it's something not to be discussed through the phone. On Monday morning, I was already in the bus when Lucy just got in. I noticed Linus went straight to the seat next to me. He shoot almost immediately.

* * *

''I thought you hated her.''

''I never said I hated her, I just didn't realize how pretty she was when she was leaning on my piano bugging me about some wedding cake."

Linus blink twice.

"Well you're not gonna use her for anything, she's too smart for that"

I can't believe what i just heard. "Linus when have i _ever_ use _anyone_ -"

"Well maybe this time you think you could, because it's Lucy. Because once upon a time she was unapologetically desperate and maybe now you think her feelings are disposable somehow if you pulled a few tricks?"

Linus sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I know you're not gonna act stupid or being a dickhead but how am I supposed to know what you're actually doing to my sister?"

''That's where you're wrong, because I will do something stupid. Just like Sally used to behave around you, or Charlie Brown to Heather a million years ago."

Linus gave me a blank look and seemed to hesitate but decided to end it with an "I see..." being prolonged but never continued.

* * *

It was quite a busy week for me, though nothing compared to Lucy's. My weekly routine usually comprise of classes and assignments, two baseball practices and performance preparation squeezed in between. This performance is a little different from the ones i used to do. I used to play for the same mini orchestra 'Schulz Philharmonic' with other kids since 4th grade or perform solo (as a segment part of other segments). But for this October I've been practicing with a bunch of other students from other schools since August for a charity work Lucy have been organizing in favor of children from homeless communities downtown, no less.

So lately on Mondays, aside from the Algebra class, sometimes we see each other after school hours. Me practicing for the recital, while Lucy checked up on other elements of the event. Do we have enough this? that? Are we prepared for this amount of people? Why is that thing blue? Where's the paperwork for this? Among other things I overheard through the grapevines.

We practice in our school music room, and the performance is going to be in the auditorium. Breaks are necessary. 5 to 10 minutes, 2 or 3 times each day. Lucy was sitting face down objectifying the paperworks, shifting from papers to papers, checking numbers, frowning.

"Lucy"

She lift her chin, her lines are calmer, more relaxed when she realized it was me.

"Do you want some help?"

She blinked. "No, not really." Piling the notes and papers, checks and bills into one, dismissing trains of thoughts. "Because the fact that you're willing to play for us is already a huge favor." She smiled, the thankful classmate, charity organizer smile. I smiled back, a bit disappointed. I pat her back before rejoining the practice.

* * *

On Tuesday, I have baseball practice with the old gang along with Peppermint Patty. She's the only girl in our team, still the best hitter we got. I don't know what happened that made the other girls stopped playing baseball with us. I feel like we've been doing things semi-professionally now. What with me and my no-longer toy piano, Lucy with her school newspaper, organizing everything and cheerleading captain, Marcy and her mathletes, Peppermint Patty an almost athlete for running tracks. It's all great, really. I'm happy we're all aiming somewhere. But sometimes I wish things doesn't have to be that serious, that we play baseball just for the sake of it. Not the championship, not the college application, merely to win the day. A few years ago that would be more than enough. I smiled at the lack of time we have.

I don't usually see Lucy on Tuesdays, except accidentally. So there she was, frustrated over the final editing for school newspaper. I knock on the door.

"Hey Luce, the school is literally empty, we should go home." I didn't made it up, I was the last one in the boy's locker room and it was dark all over the place.

She hesitated. "I'm not finished, Schroeder. The paper's need to be done by tomorrow."

"So finish them tomorow, come on."

"I have tons of other stuff to do tomorrow." She sounded devastated, I don't know if she realized it. I never heard her like that, anxious and shrilly.

I came closer, "I know, but you won't be able to do any of them if you don't allow yourself to rest." My hand tried to reach out, I pat her hair. She didn't pull back. My hand rested for a while on her neck. "Come on Luce, I'll walk you home and we can figure it out."

She didn't say much on our way back, I can feel her fatigue.


	3. Lucy (i)

I decided to do all of my final editing for the school newspaper on Tuesday, but when i asked for them at noon, both Violet and Patty hadn't write a letter since the latest draft I've approved weeks ago. Kudos to that.

I look at my watch, it's 19:24. I didn't yell at them. Not anymore. I find it ineffective, waste of energy. I have to finish them before the school completely closed down. I have tons of things to do tomorrow, I can't even look at my agenda book, it'll gave me anxiety and then nothing will be finished. I sighed, I breathe, I crumpled my hands on my face. Can't the time please stop? for a few moments, just a few? Please

'knock-knock'

A dark, lean figure looked blurred on my tired eyes. Christ, it's only 8 PM and I'm already beat. The figure told me to go home, with a voice I still can't ignore. Not subconsciously. It was Schroeder's.

"But I have tons of stuff to do tomorrow"

God I hope I didn't sound so whiny, the last thing I want is to sound whiny to Schroeder.

Schroeder, _the_ Schroeder I chased around, then became _the_ Schroeder I spent years trying to ignore, is now leaning on the journalism club door, giving me codes about going home _together._ What did I do to deserve this? What _should_ I do now?

So I gave up, I comply to his words. I can't argue with an explosion of blonde, long pale fingers, tall (so tall) muffles my hair and smiles almost hiding behind a dark grey scarf, and black turtleneck. I can't concentrate anymore, I pack my stuff arbitrarily. Not really caring what I brought home, just as long as I didn't have less.

We didn't talk much. Just like the last time, last week, wasn't it? Maybe we never really talk much. Even back then we never had an engaging conversation and it never felt this intense, this serious, this _real._

I lock the journalism club room, and decided to look at him. Taking in the lack of lighting in the almost dark hallway, the smile when he notice me staring, froze my already dysfunctional brain. And there I was, mezmerized once more, in a whole new different way. I decided that I like him, even when he makes a big mess with the muscles of my face, rooted from my chest, and when he's not around, my head.

Seeing me frozen, Schroeder took my hand, wrap it in his surprisingly warm, long fingered hand. I remembered little Lucy, is this what she wanted from little Schroeder? Hand holding? This kind of acknowledgement? Did she expect this knots in her stomach whenever Schroeder went near her? Whenever Schroeder _touches_ her?

"October always got everything spookier than it usually is, don't you think?"

"You think the shool building looked scarier than usual?" I responded.

"Yeah, kind of."

Darker path on our way downstairs, I giggled cause Schroeder said 'carefully' as if I don't know these stairs. As if I never stayed this late at school, but he ignored the remark with a shrug and instead he ask

''Lucy, what are you planning to take in Yale?''

I smiled, he knew I'm applying for Yale.

''Journalism fascinates me, but so does psychology and literature. I still haven't decide what I want to do for my whole life. I mean, unlike you.''

He chuckles, ''yeah I've always been that kid huh? The one who doesn't care about anything else besides his dream.''

''Which is exactly why you fascinates me so much back then, there's not much examples of people giving their all by knowing what they want for themselves, not even adults."

Schroeder lift his face, looking at the autumn leaves in the dark. And he smiles again at me.

''Yeah, I'm lucky I guess.''

Why is that smile even necessary?

''Schroeder, I never knew what I'm supposed to do whenever you smile like that.'' I said nervously.

Schroeder laughs, ''Luce, you know that's an obvious confession that you're nervous around me right?''

"I guess so."

Schroeder didn't pull his hand from mine until Linus shows up in the doorstep. Schroeder said hi to him, bent a little to kissed my left cheek in front of him, and said goodnight to my mom before he left our porch. Linus looked like he's seen me naked out in the street, but I didn't say anything to him. I rush straight to my room and throw my self on my bed.

I can still feel my face smiling, I remembered his scent. I couldn't think of anything else, my stomach make this weird sensation, like an electricity going upside down. From my chest to my stomach and a little bit down under whenever i thought of his fingers, his hair, him.

* * *

Unfortunately we didn't get to see each other that way anymore. Everything I have in my agenda piled up, but not for long, I hope. By Halloween, my to do list will be deducted by at least half of them. By then, the charity recital will be done, I'll formally handover my editor in chief position, and I'll... resume my other... delayed tasks. I'll probably have a few seconds to spare to think of Schroeder, maybe.

Oh how did I get here? An overachiever, always tired, incapable of even processing feelings kind of blockhead? I honestly forgot. All I remembered was I felt mentally drained, from screaming and yelling, but having no one hearing what I said. Not Charlie Brown, not my brothers, and of course, especially Schroeder. The other kids complied with my yelling sometimes, but out of annoyance, or a bit of unacknowledged fear. Not nearly because what I said might have some truths in it, or a considerable solution.

Some time after I left Schroeder's house one last time, I tried the next hardest thing: to lower my voice and choose less abrasive words. Just less, nothing too extreme. But it immediately took a turn, my brothers actually _listens_ to me. I learned that I could make people do what I want them to do with less energy, more strategic mentality. I learned that I could accomplish things on the announcement board, every one of them. And so I did, I really did tried everything on the menu.

Ignoring Schroeder wasn't that hard once I got busy, I can see him as a classmate now. A classmate who is a semi-professional pianist prodigy and is maybe available for a really really super important charity? He is? I mean, you are? That's fantastic!

And that's maybe how I got this physically

tired. The recital is in two days, a day right before Halloween. Everything's checked. Everything's ready, and it's 2 am.

Is he asleep?


	4. Lucy (ii)

I went with my instinct, I called his home. Fourth ring, someone picked up. I hope it's not his mom.

"Hello?"

He doesn't sound sleepy.

"Hey, it's Lucy. Are you up?"

"Oh hey, I'm not supposed to, but I actually just wrote a song."

"Oh. I see"

I don't know what to say, I don't want to pry on his music, I violated his space more than I could count, no more. I blinked too hard from the sudden embarrassment.

"You can't sleep because of the charity?"

"No, I mean, I'm not sure. But I don't think so

I mean, this isn't my first charity work. I don't really know why I'm calling, sorry to bother you." I said, actually ready to end the call with regret.

"I don't mind." I heard a shrug. "In fact, would you care for some early breakfast?"

* * *

Note to self:

Schroeder is the kind of guy who puts milk in his coffee.

And so do I.

"Do you do this a lot?"

He shifted from his coffee to my eyes. How am I super nervous to direct eye contact all of a sudden.

"I mean, spent your sleeping time to write music then went for midnight breakfast?"

"I rarely do the latter, only when I'm terribly hungry and we're out of cereal. But the song writing gets more often lately."

He paused, lifting a hand to support his chin.

"Sometimes I just got up to play, nothing new, nothing written, just for the sake of it."

He turned his eyes to me, and his smile almost kissed a silver ring on his index finger.

"I just realized I don't know anything going on in your life beyond the things on your college resume. You're more likable," Pause.

"Approachable" he corrected.

"But you concealed a lot of yourself too, Luce. At least when you were yelling at Charlie Brown we're aware of your opinion of, well, _everything_."

It's true, I decided to play safe these past few years in our social life. I'm not faking anything, I actually feel different towards people around me, with more empathy. Now I have more friends and help than I could wish for as a result. But even the school newspaper I'm responsible of running reflects my cowardice. I want it to be clean for my college application form. I don't want some stupid things I said at the cafeteria (and most probably didn't mean anyway) could somehow be turned against me in ways unforseeable a the time being. But as he said, I forcibly stripped some personality from myself.

"I agree Schroeder. So have I towards you. I don't know whether or not you actually dated Violet in 9th grade, or how many performances did you had, exactly? What do you feel about them? Where do you see yourself after all of this? Let's just asked what we want to know, to do, from each other. Starting now"

I lightly stirred my latte, enjoying the sound of his chuckles. I made that happened.

"Okay, umm.. I don't think Violet and I actually dated. We kissed, I give you that. But I don't think we developed a relationship. She... well, I realized what she wanted and I didn't go there, not with her."

"What did she wanted?"

"Something serious. You know, emotional devotion, heavy hour, being public. At the time, and with her, I just don't see myself there. So when I understood that far, I let myself out."

I feel disappointed, a little bit. A tiny smudge. I don't actually know what I want out of this intense flirting, I do realized I could go back and ignore him for years and I'll still be okay. Well I'll made myself look okay. But to think that he's still an anti-intimacy after all that kinda knocks me down more than I'm willing to let on.

Schroeder puts a coin in our table's jukebox and I don't really care what he's playing. But apparently it's a typical Midnight Jazzfest.

"And, secondly, I've had more than 30 performances ever since I joined the mini orchestra. My mom counted, not me, by the way. The routine recital opened up a lot of unexpected doors, including solo stuff, your charity recital, and arbitrary work with all kinds of musician. I've been drawn to Jazz lately, surprisingly. You know how I've been strictly Beethoven fanboy but now, it felt endless."

I'm still listening, but a part of me tried not be too involved anymore. After what he said previously. I don't know what I think about it, I just know it made me feel less than a whole.

"Endless, is what I felt about it. That was your third question yes? The more I play, the more there are to discover. Everytime I'm exploring new territory, like getting used to a certain tempo or beat pattern, it felt like thousands of more things are just waiting to be studied."

I hold, with all my might, a heavy sigh. Great. He's quick to lose interest, doesn't even stick around to a music genre. I really should've known. How do I get out of here without looking like I'm upset? More importantly how do I make it seemed like I'm not so desperately want to be in a relationship with him (because I don't!!! not.. really, I don't know!) and therefore projects the quality he avoid from other girls? Since when do I even want to be different from other girls? Oh my god He's the type of guy that diss girls on my face and told me he likes me because I'm "different from other girls" Ugh As If I'm-

"And after all of this, I assume you meant after the homeless charity recital? I'm seeing myself being around you. I mean if you're okay with that, having me around, that is. I like seeing you being yourself. The way you channel your voice to leadership skill, organize that amount of people through projects after projects, and still you stand up for Charlie Brown that no one dared to tease him, and I just" pause.

"I just think that's really cool, and after all of this, I just see myself spending more and more time with you."

I'm relieved, all of a sudden. We're on the same page after all.

"That caught me off guard." I paused. Hesitating whether or not I should attempt some kind of confirmation.

"I thought you don't want devoting time, being public and all that."

"I didn't want it with Violet, when I was 14, baby."

I smiled, to think that I would let _anyone_ called me baby.


	5. Lucy (iii)

Schroeder and I aren't dating. We've established _something_ between us, _something_ we no longer able to ignore, but whatever it is it's not a relationship. How do even you define a relationship? I don't really know. Sometimes I wondered about it, but girls around me seem to have an established story of their 'official status'.

South Cafeteria, mid-August

Patty squealed, jumped out of nowhere to hug me for the first time since June.

"Lucy, how dare you went M.I.A. for 12 freaking weeks just for some internship in Boston."

"I didn't went completely M.I.A." I smiled. It's nice. It's really nice to see Patty. I missed her. "We won the debate thing early June, I took a day out of my internship for that while you, Miss Patricia Swanson, almost missed it for a make out session." I poked my finger deep onto her shoulder, causing her to hissed in laughter.

She grab my hand, practically dragged me to the nearest empty table and clasped her hands. "That's what I'm dying to tell you, we're dating!"

"Wait, you and the college guy? I thought you were seeing him to avoid being in a relationship."

"Yeah, I know" She sighed onto the late summer air with an overwhelming amount of happiness. "But what you gonna do when the guy's a 5 star kisser, is polite to your mum, takes care of you on your period, and all of a sudden introduce you as his girlfriend to his parents?"

I have no idea.

But I do know it didn't go well. The guy's being a Boston uni student was Patty's main reason to see him during the summer, to avoid seeing him after. But they got tangled in feelings, and now the make out sessions are replaced with phone fights.

Then there was the shortlived tale of Sally Brown and Mark from Belmont High, he saw Sally cheering during the baseball match and ask her for a movie after they beat us by 8-3. Charlie Brown is used to defeat on the field but realizing that it was used as leverage to impress his sister is something else of a mockery. Needless to say, he despises the guy.

Alas, a few weeks later she and Belmont guy Mark were dating. He asked her to be his girlfriend on another baseball game, she said yes. For a while we saw Mark picking her up at school, or just around in other baseball games, his name bounces in conversations with and about Sally, until he's not anymore. Sally never talked about it, just that it was over as soon as it started. Linus didn't react, was our main concern. Deep down we all expect Linus and Sally to be this typical childhood sweetheart tale where he finally realizes his feelings for her when a stranger snatched her away. But nothing happened. Sally's romantic burst of newfound love was sealed with silence.

But then there was Peppermint Patty and Marcy, who doesn't have a story. They're just together, since forever. We saw them holding hands all the time, just naturally under the table, And then they kissed, not for the first time it seemed, two summers ago around campus. And we just assumed their relationship status.

"Feelings aren't just one aspect, nor is it about one determined event, Luce."

Peppermint Patty swings, the ball threwn by the machine hits the fense. 3 days a week practice isn't enough for her. If she's not allowed to use this machine she'll ran with the track team.

"Okay, but aside from undefinable feelings, did you communicate relationship status? Like the nature of it's exclusivity, where it leads in the future? Is it like a marriage kind, or nothing too serious? Is there like, a concept of arrangements you agreed upon? Maybe a 2 days space a week? A gift for every months?"

Peppermint Patty laughed, but it sounded bitter. She catches the ball with her hand and walked over to the machine to turned it off. "You made love sounds like an employment contract."

"I just thought communication is a key to every relationship." I shrugged.

"Well Marcy and I never talked about it." She walked to me and grabbed her water. "She and I, we talk about everything. But we never discussed our 'status' the way you refer to it." Peppermint Patty made the " " sign with her fingers to emphasize how weird "relationship status" is.

"We were romantically involved before we even know it. She's comfort, admirable, and would never hurt me. So I trusted her, she trusted me. It can't be anymore simple than that."

"And you don't feel blinded by that?"

Honestly? Everyone kept talking about how stupid you are when you're in love, but then they also told you to be smart with it. Communicate with your (presumed) partner, notice the "signs" that they're lying, manipulative, is he gaslighting you? Maybe that's why people are making alternatives, what with kissing buddies, open relationships, or an absolute, indisputable relationship. So that they're either blameless and you don't get to feel anything, or that they're completely in the wrong side of the room. The status thing is a solid contract alright.

"I don't know what to tell you about me. But the amount of time and energy you spent for these contemplations won't give you the justification you seek. I suppose you expect to get hurt just to scream "AHA I KNEW IT"."

Peppermint Patty changed her baseball shoes to her usual sandals.

"But it won't make a difference, it'll be just as painful."

Yikes, never thought I'm _that_ transparent.

* * *

Maybe Schroeder wouldn't hurt me. I don't know. Nobody know these kinds of things. Guys made up something about liking you for who you are now, and then leave for other made up reasons. I shook my head furiously. I have priorities. The charity recital is my priority right now, and I haven't even began doing my make-up.

The dress is ready, my bag is filled with things I will need, but I'm gonna have to get ready in my pajamas to avoid any accidents. I washed my face, brush my teeth and did my hair, the fucking bell rang. Why did the bell had to fucking ring twice this morning but it was Schroeder. It was Schroeder who rang it twice and then see me in my shorts, shirt, and sleeping robe.

"Hey, I thought we could go to the thing together, if you want." He smiled.

Oh Schroeder, I wish I don't care that you saw me in a faded t-shirt i used to roll out of bed too many times and pale, colorless face but I do. I care too much. I gulped in my insecurity.

"Yeah, yes of course, I don't mind going to the thing together but I'm not ready yet. Do you need to be there early? Because I'll probably take an hour or two more." I tried to be calm, and avoid over-explaining things. Schroeder didn't want to hear about our wedding music a decade ago, I'm sure he's not gonna start tolerating my make up routine now.

"Can I wait for you? I don't have to be there for another one or two more hours either."

With that he lets himself in. Okay.

I went upstairs, and he followed me. He went to my room. Schroeder is in my room. Schroeder is looking at my trophies, my books, the photos and my bed. I have a boy in my room for the next two hours.

I don't have time for this.

I took off my robe and washed my hands. I patted some moisturizer, primer and eye cream. Can't let people know I barely slept since junior high. I use color corrector, then concealer. I mixed foundation with a little bit of face oil, to get a hydrating effect because it's cold outsid- "You enjoying the show?" I said to Schroeder's reflection. His coat is somewhere in my room, because I can see him in a black sweater.

"Pretty much, yeah. Did it made you feel nervous?"

"Not at all, I just didn't think you'd be interested to watch these kinds of stuff." I applied some lip balm, then tried to choose, red? or pink?

I showed them to Schroeder, "Which one?"

He paused. "Do you have other shades?"

I pulled my lip drawer, containing 20 something of others, then continued with my brow. Schroeder actually went through my lip drawer. I can't believe this. This is all very... intimate. Comfortable, in an unfamiliar way. I feel a bit nervous, to be perfectly honest, but I tried to shove everything in the dusty parts of my internal organs with a list of priorities. I almost scoffed at my self. I have a boy in my bathroom, watching me applying make up in the shortest shorts I have and I'm mentally forcing myself to reexamine the show rundown. What am i gonna do without all of these activities? Face my feelings? As if.

I finished my brows and chose a warm tone for blusher. Schroeder raises a romantic shade of pink.

"I forgot I bought this." I took it for a swatch. I love it.

"Does it ruined easily?"

I laughed, what does that even mean?? "Why do you care?"

"If it does, I'd kiss you before you put it on."

I put them on, lightly tapping on excess.

"We can find out now." I said, watching him gulped his throat.

But he didn't hesitate, he thumbed along my jawline, and went to press his lips on mine. I reciprocate. I feel brave, because I couldn't think. I sighed, a lot. He tilted my jaw, I touched his collarbone. I tried to make a distance, worried that I might put an uncomfortable force, but he went for more.

My first kiss is done with an undone make up and pajamas. Nothing is romantic about this, and yet, I want more.

He broke it off, just as breathless. He smirked and lightly wipe my lips. "It wears off easily, too bad."

I broke off our eye contacts, tried to look unaffected, continued with the base color for my eyeshadows. Heart still beating, furiously.

"Is that why you came two hours early? A possibility to kiss?"

"A kiss is something I could work on. But my intention needs luck."

"Excuse me?"

As much as i found this heavy flirting and additional touches to be fun, I'm not really into the idea of having my first kiss and losing my virginity in the same day, specifically the same day as one of my biggest project.

"I want to kiss you somewhere else. While you finished getting ready."

I'm not following.

"Somewhere else? My neck? How can I get ready with that arrangement?"

"No, not your neck." He slid down my counter, position myself between his legs. I'm confused, but extremely curious. I gasped when he hold my thighs, bringing them closer to his face. He slides my shorts down, kissed the folds shaped on my underwear "Hey, relax. Are you uncomfortable with this?" I shook my head.

I don't know what this is. Is this the opposite of blow job? Is this considered sex? Are we about to have some sort of sex? We're not even in an established relationship. What am I doing?

But the thing is, I'm comfortable, and curious enough. And I have over an hour left just for eyeshadow, lipstick and putting on a dress.

Dear Yale admission board, I can be horny and do a mental time management. Suck on that.

I hold on to the sink, and said "I'm not uncomfortable, Schroeder. You may proceed with your given luck."

Schroeder smiled, it was a very different smile from the sweet ones he gave me before the kiss. "Lucy, I told you that I wanted to kiss you while you're getting ready. So by all means, please continue." His hand stopped at my the nook of my hip.

I hesitantly reach for a brush, and dabbed on a neutral color for base, only then Schroeder's hand began to move. Both his hands slids down my underwear to my knees, and they traced back to grab my hipbone. I stopped to watch him, he look at me and stopped too.

"Continue, please."

He said, quite demanding.

"Oh, o, okay."

I applied the base color to my right eye, as he kissed my vaginal hairline. I breathed in, breathed out, tried to be relaxed. I applied the base color to my left eye. He kissed the folds, then tongue swirled on the folds. I bucked my hips. They find a rhythm to match the pressure of his tongue. He brings them to his face and I dropped my brush to hold on to the sink. He broke it off.

"Oh Come On!" I groaned.

"Well it depends on you, do you want to do this your way and be late for the recital or multitask it like you do with everything."

I sighed " You're right, if I can coach a cheerleading squad while drafting a newspaper article, I can handle your tongue and eyeshadow work."

"That's the spirit, baby." Baby. How's that compared to girlfriend- oh that's nice. He lift my hips, devouring my folds, I tried to apply my crease color, very lightly. But I can't control the sounds from the back of my throat. My reflection is flustered. Hair, free, bounces against my will, I slurred, I don't believe this. The blonde hair, slender fingers with veins, sharp jaws I tried so hard to ignore these past few years is crawling to my house, to get under me.

Then he focused on a thing, below a thing, shaped like a tiny pea and i went too crazy I tried to muffled his hair.

He didn't seem to mind, but i stopped doing my eyeshadows and he stopped.

"I don't think I'll let you finished. Not this easily." He stood up tall as he said so, and he lingers his lips on mine. His lips felt different from before, it carries a scent nowhere near innocence. And it's so wet. Then he gave me a cheek peck.

"I'll let you get ready for real."

With that he grab his coat in my room and I heard he went downstairs.

I repeat, repeat and repeat. But I've been neglectful. I sighed.

"Never fall in love with a musician."


	6. Schroeder (iii)

The charity went almost flawless, the performance were welcomed with prolonged and deafening ovations, Lucy were swarmed with salutes and praises for how smooth everything was.

At the end of the event, Lucy stepped on the stage with an unmistakable happiness, to announce that the amount of money raised tonight to help the homeless community in Massachusetts had exceed the expected number by 300%.

She posed for newspaper, talk to the beneficiaries, the politicians, thanking every single one of the younger musicians for the best recital she has ever witnessed, thanking everyone to come, smiled, sharp to questions yet modest in tone.

I'm mesmerized.

Never have I ever wanted to eat someone so bad.

Come to think of it, I never actually fantasize about going down under to any girl before. But Lucy takes over the room, she's in charge of everything here, she's polite and uptight. All I think about is how to show her some sort of... appreciation. More than gratitude, I want to made her feel admired, but also a little bit frustrated, maybe.

Everyone we knew was there, the charity recital I meant, not the dinner after. Save for my parent's and Lucy's. My mom had practically lived in Boston for the past few months, she decided to take her master's and had been going back and forth on weekends. But she sees how I managed just fine and her visits home had been getting less frequent. My dad moved to Connecticut a few years ago, we've only met a few times in the summer, when I'm not busying myself with more performances. We get along just fine, but I naturally care less about him.

Lucy's parents are away, I'm not sure why. But this morning it is apparent that they're mot around.

Lucy wears a night blue gown. It made her look taller, and professional. I almost laughed. That's the thing about Lucy. She always thinks she managed to conceal herself these past few years, but there's genuineness to everything she does. She chooses the dress to be taken seriously, to represent virtues of poise and intelligence. Yet her contented smile made her look almost childish. How pretty, how captivating a childlike smile can be, I just found out.

I don't talk much, really just sipping the champagne available for adults in the musicians table. A lot of times being tall with sharp jaws passes you as a young adult, cheers to that. Lucy noticed I've been observing, but she's too busy with everything and everyone.

"Are you doing another performance anytime soon?"

Mayella, a violinist from Belmont high disturbs my train of thoughts.

"I haven't signed up for anything yet. My mini orchestra hadn't been very stable for a routine practice either. We've lost a drummer and a genius cellist."

"What, the drummer's not a genius?" Mayella scoffed.

I shrugged "He's not bad, just had anger issues. Takes everything too personally."

"What happened to them though? Aren't they like, 9th graders?"

"Personnal stuff, nothing too extreme. The cellist and her parents moved to Canada, while the drummer had um, attacked one of his classmates so they're taking him to some rehab."

"That's dramatic."

"At least I can rest a bit, unlike you." If people sees me as a Piano freak, those people hadn't seen Mayella. I swear to god someday you'll find her starved to death because she won't stop playing.

"Yeah, maybe you should date someone, Schroeder. Don't jerk off to music sheets, you know you got game."

I gulped in frustration. The musician's table was filled with 7th-9th graders.

"I do not, and... I'm working on someone."

"Speaking of which, you know Sally, right? Sally Brown I think? Dated a guy from my school briefly?"

"What about her?"

"I heard there was someone else, do you know anyone?"

"Wait, that Mark guy cheated on Sally?" I knew I didn't like that Belmont Mark something.

"What? No, I heard Sally was seeing someone else, or at least there was some other guy and eventually Mark felt uncomfortable with his shadow. Do you have any idea who that was?"

I let myself smirk, we all know who that was. Without pointers nor hints. It's a tale as old as time for Linus, my friend.

* * *

Somehow, I got luckier.

The event ended by 9 pm on Halloween night. Young children are gawking about the suburbs with costumes, gobbling candies, ran and stumbled.

When I'm tipsy, I slurred. But somehow I get to convince Lucy to stop by in my house than immediately went straight home.

The lights are still out. Lucy takes off her coat and heels. She enjoyed her bare feet on my carpet, I can tell from her suddenly light steps.

The pool lights gleamed in to the living room and Lucy's eyes are fixated to it. How the water never truly stops moving, therefore created an unpredictable pattern of blue lights around us. It suits her dress. It suits her.

"These music sheets are the only thing disorganized in this room." She crouch to look at the papers scattered on the carpet around my baby grand piano.

I sat on my seat, played a part of a heavy tune I've been observing lately.

"I need things to be tidy, but I can't have my train of thoughts disturbed either. You don't seem to mind without the lights, I see." I smiled at her, still observing my sheets on the floor, not touching them.

"Yeah, I like it. It made me feel a lot calmer after everything today."

I got up, and ask her hand to join me on the couch. She's still tense, her shoulders are still too alert. I ask for her feet, she confusedly give me her foot, and I tried massaging her.

"Would you please relax? You have knots in every points here." I said, flattening her right foot. She breathed in, and breathed out. Finally her shoulders were lowered, her body hadn't lose the tension completely, it's still alert from social adrenaline.

"Where did you learn how to do this?" She eased, little by little.

"Before and after the divorce my mum had a lot of problems. I was taught by her doctor, because she constantly had knots. These things appeared from stress and often subconsciously. I bet you don't sleep well, your body seemed to have a problem relaxing, even when you've done your job so wonderfully."

"And where did you learn how to do what you did with your tongue this morning?"

My Lucy. Never played the slow chase, fired the first bullet to the first opening she saw.

"Where do you think?"

She hesitate, she doesn't like to think I had other girls to practice with.

"Did your mom taught you that too?"

I laughed, that's disgustingly funny.

I pressed hard on a really stiff area to make her yank in pain.

"No, and that, is icky. I found a book in our city library. It was in the women's study section. And it was fascinating, I can see women wrote it, not just some guys making up theories about women's bodies. Because that's what you'll get when you talk about it to guys. They made things up."

She didn't say much else. Only hissed in pain sometimes.

"Can I ask you about you and your parents?" She finally said when I'm almost done with her left foot.

"There's not much to tell, really. You've seen them fighting, they were unhappy."

"What about you? Do you feel happier now?"

I never thought of that.

"I like the way things are better than before. I like that they're not fighting anymore, I like seeing my mum is pursuing what she always wanted, I like having more time and energy to focus on playing my piano now."

"That's sounds nice." She smiled for what it seemed like the longest time. She tried to tip toed around this aspect.

"I'm glad for you. For the wonderful event tonight. You did it, you worked hard for it." I finished with her feet, and got up to wash my hands.

"Can I ask you something about you?" She looked comfortably drowned in her gown and my couch.

"What?" I sat next to her body, placed my hand around her waist, shooting a stare. Not gonna let her think she could hide her face in the dark.

"What do you want from me?"

I kissed her, tried to make it softer.

"You know what I've been thinking all night?"

I kissed her again, less polite. She exhales a sigh, and bites my lower lip.

"I want you sit on my face."

* * *

Her dress were scattered on the sofa, I layed on the carpet, so that she can hold on to the sofa. Her breath hitched, she twitched, and gasps.

"Schroeder, p-please don't stop.."

I applied more pressure, considering a finger but no, not tonight.

Her cervix produce a little bit of cum, splattered on the bridge of my nose. I gathered her to my arms, as her body's still shaking from waves of new experiences.

"Wait here." I got up to get her a glass of water, and went into my room to get her a t-shirt.

She finished the drink with greed, and wore the t-shirt I got her.

We stayed still for a while. She gathers herself on my lap, seeking warmth from my arms, staring at the pool beyond my baby grand piano.

"This is really nice." I broke the comforting silence, played with the strands of hair on her face. I heard a smile.


	7. Sally (i)

Halloween, 4 PM

The doorbell rang, and it was Linus. He looked flustered finding I'm the one who opened the door for two seconds, but shrugged it almost immediately.

"Hey Charlie Brown, you ready for the Lucy thing?"

Big Brother crept up behind me, ready in his coat and scarf.

"Yeah, Sally you're finished too right? where's your coat?"

Big brother didn't tell me Linus was coming, too. Things haven't been quite normal between me and Linus. I huffed and put on a blue pastel colored coat.

The two of them walked ahead of me, talking about this and that. Pointing at the Halloween decor around the neighborhood, throwing leaves and half running - half laughing. I stole some glances at Linus, sometimes I think, if our names will ever be used as adjectives, they will be antonymous to each other. We are completely the opposite of each other, not even in a romantic, soulmates kind of way.

I scoffed, the word soulmate sounds incredibly ridiculous now that I know how boys really are in a relationship. And Linus and I, don't need to be in a relationship to find out how frustrating we can be to each other. While he excelled on high school reading level, I have a hard time reading and basic comprehensive writing in grade school (I was then diagnosed with dyslexia). People then keep telling me not to feel bad about myself, but I've been laughed at in most of my classes, the damage was set and done. I've long accepted that I'm stupid and slow.

While Linus helped me with my homework, he sees me as a little sister. I never see him less than a boy I have a crush on.

While we're listening to Schroeder and the other kid's playing the charity recital thing, Linus tells me what the songs called, who wrote it, why the song mattered, pin points the parts where it is most celebrated and unique. I stood to join the collective applause. I don't understand music.

While Linus has the tendency to rationalize his feelings rather than actually feeling them, I felt it all. I felt his glances at me, I felt his silent jealousy when I decided to try getting to know Mark for real. Why wouldn't I take a chance on a boy who won the game to ask me out? Why wouldn't I tried to make it work?

Because while I decided to rationalize my choices, Linus seemed to followed his feelings for the first time. That one time, he grabbed the curve of my elbow and I can feel his eyes begged me not to go to Mark. He let go of me, but other time, he's not that nice.

He looked for ways to touch me, almost too casual for other people to notice. But unlike them, I felt his intention. I felt his yearn for intimacy from me, and I left it unrequited.

While Linus refuses to talk about the things he felt but unable to rationalize, I got up to leave the Van Pelts house because there's really no point. While Linus cornered me in his study room, I kissed him back. I kissed this emotionally unavailable guy.

And now, while Mark and I broke up months ago, Linus and I turned into nothing but awkward, yet he yanked it off while I endure the awkwardness for both of us. Maybe we never actually speak the same language.

To be perfectly honest I didn't want to come, and it's more because a few of the young musicians playing with Schroeder were from Belmont High. I don't think I know them personally, Mark only introduced me to a few fellow baseball players and maybe 2-3 people we stumbled upon our few dates, but the thought of thin strings of social networking in one school made me felt uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Schroeder was playing, and the charity thing is super super _super_ important for Lucy so I decided to show up and at least give them some cheek pecks.

But Lucy looked happy. I'm glad.

We're not invited to the charity dinner, only to the recital performance. So Linus, my big brother and I went to a diner before we went home.

"Charlie, can I stay at your place tonight? My folks are out of town and I don't know when Lucy will be back."

Rerun had been in boarding school since last semester.

"Fine by me, pretty sure my folks wouldn't mind either since it's Friday" Charlie Brown said as he take the last bite of his cheeseburger.

And of course none of them asked me what I think about this plan.

At home it was pretty peaceful. I brushed my teeth, changed into pajamas and then fell asleep on a book I've been reading. I've been doing very well at reading lately, most of the time I can't stop.

* * *

A little past 2, I woke up thirsty. So I went downstairs for some water. But when I got back, Linus was in my room. Scanning through my stuff with his glasses, the posters, nail polishes, the stack of books on my bedside drawers.

"I can see you having interests in 'The Last Unicorn', but 'The Dispossessed' surprises me." He said, still observing.

"Hey, what do you think when you read 'The Dispossessed'?"

I ignored his question. "Can you please get out of my room? I'm uncomfortable with this."

"You didn't seem uncomfortable when we're alone in my study room."

"It's not about being alone, or where we're alone, I'm uncomfortable having you here now."

"We can do something to make you feel more comfortable?" He shift closer, but I backed away to open the door.

"Linus, we don't have to do this. I don't understand what happened between us in your study room or why all of a sudden you behave like this, I have no idea. But I do know we don't want the same thing, the kiss didn't mean the same thing for us. And whatever it is you don't want to talk about it, do you? So I really don't see why we should make anything out of it, let alone trying to make a continuation."

With that, I give up. I don't know how else am I going to talk to him.

After all the word vomit, I finally allow myself to inhale the way Linus looked. His dark brown hair is ruffled, he wore my brother's maroon sweater and pajama bottom, his collarbones are visible, his glasses frame suits him, his skin's paler than summer, making his freckles looked more apparent. He stood tall, but no arrogance is felt. Someone who doesn't know him very well could easily have a crush on him. And I'm not one of those girls anymore.

"I do want to talk about it, that's why I'm here now." He cross his arms on his chest. He's staying.

"Why are you being so complicated?" I said, not knowing what else to say. I regret it as soon as I said it.

"What do you mean complicated? I just want to talk."

"You ignored me for years, and then you made me broke up with my first ever boyfriend, you kissed me behind his back, and now you pretend I don't exist anymore when other people are around." I spat.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Really, I do. I just didn't know what to do. Suddenly you're out there having a boyfriend and everything, I don't know what you see in him."

I shake my head furiously. "It's not up to you to decide who I should date. Mark was nice and he wanted me, he let me into his life, introduce me to the things he love,-"

"He sounded boring."

"He's not boring, he didn't made me feel intellectually inferior, or stupid. He didn't talk over me or ignore me when our friend's around. He's a great baseball player and I happened to like him so much. You're selfish and you don't even know what you're selfish for. Everyone, including you, thinks you're so smart reading and analyzing philosophical theories all the time, knowing everything and fixing everyone's moral conflicts but you can't even feel things, and you ruined my life with it."

Linus towered over me, closed the door behind me and hold my upper arms.

"I made you feel stupid?"

"All the time," I refuse to look at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about everything."

He kissed my forehead, and it felt like the way big brother kissed me.

With that he walked out of my room, and I couldn't go back to sleep.


	8. Lucy (iv)

I woke up in Schroeder's living room, in his arms, on his lap, in his t-shirt. Schroeder's still sleeping, head's rested on the edge of the sofa while his lower body's layed on the carpet., I'm sure it's uncomfortable but he looked unfazed.

The morning sun enlightens the room, it became familiar to me. All the times I've spent here, pathetically trying to steal his attention, when all I have to do is to be myself, doing whatever I want, all along, how funny. I carefully got up from his lap, untangled myself from his arms, wanted to soak in more of this feeling. There are pictures of him in many halls, playing different piano, posing with different important looking people, his mum, looked happier in recent photos, he really inherits his mum's beautiful blonde hair. She played piano too, apparently.

I almost stepped on a music sheet, and I quickly checked upon him. He stares at me, fingers tangled lightly on his lap.

"I thought you're still sleeping."

He got up, and guide me to a room right besides the piano. And it was his room. He practically shoved me to bed with him. He's still sleepy but he kissed my hand twice, almost mindlessly.

"You know, I'm supposed to be in school now."

He groaned and wrapped me tighter on his chest.

"On a Saturday? Really Luce?"

"Yea, I have tutoring and a few things to do before I completed handover my position as the editor. But... I guess I could skip it, right?"

I heard a smile. He fell back asleep.

His room is tidy and warm. It doesn't have much personality, and I can see him sleeping on his piano more than his bed anyways. I inhale his clean boy smell. It drifted me soon before I could think of the amount of regret I would have for passing on this morning just because I was afraid.


	9. Linus (i)

"Can you tutor like 2 kids at school for me? I'm in the city since morning and I forgot to cancel the lessons."

"What's the lesson?"

"Usually math related, but most of the time they bring their own homework or assignments they have problems with."

"I see."

"It'll be good for your resumè." Lucy tried to sound sweet.

I chuckled.

"Have a lovely Saturday, Lucy." I let a pause, "oh, and for Schroeder as well." Then I hung up.

Ha! 'In the city since morning' would've worked if only I didn't went to an empty house right after my 3am argument with Sally and sat in the living room thinking about it ever since.

I don't mind doing the tutoring thing. This Saturday lesson at school is one of Lucy's idea, it had been a custom but she made a designated system maintaining enough tutors for the amount of students who needs it. I actually tutored on weekdays for 7th-9th graders in the library, I like it so much I'm starting to seriously consider being an academician, like a teacher or university professor.

I left home 15 minutes before 10, knowing it is scheduled at 10 but everyone slacked off by a few minutes on a Saturday anyway.

The class is loosely packed with a few small study groups.

"Linus, are you here to replace Lucy?"

Marcy is tutoring three 10th graders, since they're discussing the same homework. I saw Peppermint Patty outside playing soccer, probably just to waste time while waiting for Marcy.

"Yeah, apparently."

"Can you please tutor 10th grade math in the next room? Me and the others are here for physics and Spanish today."

"Okay."

"I think there's like 4-5 students, you're good?"

But there's no one in the next room.

I took off my coat, arranged the front seating to mirror the way I'm comfortable with in the library.

10.18

I heard the door opened. Sally looked horrified to see me.

"Are you here for math?" I clasped my hands loosely in front of me.

"Why are you tutoring all of a sudden?" She couldn't hide the pettiness in her tone.

"Lucy asked me to take her place. Just this one time. Do you know where the others are?"

"They ran outside to play soccer."

"Well, good to know we don't have to wait for them. Let's get started."

"Is this one of your schemes to get us alone?" She said, but she pulled a chair in front of me anyway.

"This time I'm really just lucky." I smiled at her. "What's your homework this week?" She pointed a marked page, and an empty notebook page.

She doesn't have major problems, just stumbled on some technical steps, not sure what to do with particular situations. She doesn't automatically perceive concepts the way other people do, she thinks the unthinkable, sometimes even provocative. Since we're younger, some people sees this unnecessary, or that she just made a fuss over things she doesn't want to understand. She's not stupid, she's beyond the system that somehow made everyone thinks I'm smarter than most kids in my grade.

"I used to help you with your homework, I don't remember what happened that made us stopped."

She didn't answer, but I saw her bit her bottom lip as she continued with the last 2 problems.

"I don't mind doing it again, outside of this schedule. Our houses are only a few steps away from each other. Or we could go to the library, I tutored there too sometimes."

"Oh my god, please stop!" Sally slaps her books dramatically. "I don't have any intention to see you again after this!"

And she finally looked at me. The class was shiny with midday sun, almost too sunny for the end of autumn. It became too quiet, I could almost hear her trembling. She's upset and tried so hard to channel it through her eyes. I sighed.

"Can we please, please try again? I have problems, I admit that. I admit I had the intention to break your first relationship, but please believe me when I say I never, _ever_ think you're stupid. Not once."

Her shoulders loosened, but she's far from over.

"Why can't you just say that you wanted to be with me before I was dating Mark?"

"It was hard for me. Seeing you went so easily with someone who doesn't even know you. It was hard for me to explain it because I knew it was unfair for you. I knew it wasn't my place to stop you like that, but I hated hearing his name so much. I hate whenever your name was mentioned I also had to hear his."

She's almost crying, so she stares away and clears her throat.

"I thought that you may didn't realized what you felt when I was alone and then you did when Mark came in, like all the romance story about childhood friends out there but I don't think it was that easy. You had three ex-girlfriends that I'm aware of. How did you managed to get to them without expressing your feelings?"

"By three in total you meant Lidya and... who else?"

"Janice and Tapioca Pudding?!" She yelled in frustration.

"Sally, Truffle and I never dated. We were never in a relationship. She was.. unfamiliar and strange so I um, I admit I was trying to get to know her, but in the end she was too strange for me." I intentionally left out the part where a girl who called herself Truffle took my virginity last summer, that's for another time. Because the next bit will be harder, and I'm not even on Lidya yet.

"Janice, well, things with Janice was hard. I really, really have no idea how to explain what I felt for her, what I felt at the time. And it felt even harder to grasp with my current emotional lenses."

In between breath takes and pauses I found it is a lot easier to dissect my feelings when I talk about it, rather than to restrained them in my head.

"Sally, I never talked about this to anyone. Not even your brother. In fact, we talked less and less about what we felt. Stupid me, I assumed that it is irrelevant to problem solving and yet here I am, causing more problems as I go with it. And now, now I hurt you, too."

We went still for a moment, and suddenly locked eyes. It was very brief, but in those 2 seconds she lets her guard down, accidentally perhaps, because she immediately looked away, while I found myself finally understood what it meant to be unable to think.

She clears her throat, I realized it's past 12. The school may sound quieter than usual but we know it doesn't actually stop. Tutoring usually starts in the morning, because by noon students usually have other activities like practicing for sports competitions, academic decathlon or just to hang out with their families.

"Do you have to be somewhere?" I may have been talking too much about myself.

She shook her head. "I... I actually wanted to hear more, I mean, because it _was_ what I asked from you. To talk about stuff like this."

I can see complications ahead, it'll be hard, we're going to shred each other in ways unimaginable. But something will always stay between Sally and me, because if we had one thing in common, is that we never let our state of minds settled for ease. However antonymous those state of minds might be.


End file.
